It had been about 6 weeks since I had stopped. Finally, I was guilted into telling my youth pastor. I told him everything. Not just about that one matter, but each and every detail as to why and when and what I had for lunch even. The conversation lasted a hour and a half. I felt so ashamed, so stupid, so useless. But he accepted me with “youth pastor love”. No judgment, just advise and a way to process. Little did I know that was the beginning of healing. Healing that doesn’t seem to be taught, but learned. It’s the type that can only be done by God. The kind where He takes the old, and seals it with the new. I now didn’t have to surrender to the rain, or to my ways to cope. I had a new found thing to life for, who as I got a step closer, loved me even more. More then I could ever ask for…
How about a more happy ending? :)
Believer in PRTC
Broken Surrender
My hands flew up in the air in a broken surrender. My day had been terrible, crushing, painful. The only relief I knew was the pouring down rain that washed away my tears. I twirled in circles as the drops fell one after another hitting my arms and head giving me a thrill of delight. I was surrounded by a forest on my left and right, a house in front of my, and a field filled with tasseled corn to my back. I fell to the ground and laid there in the wet grass letting the wetness soak into my hoodie and jeans. The stinging coldness of fall rain mixed with my warm tears. I closed my eyes listening to the pounding of the rain in sync with my loud heart beat. Life isn’t the same anymore. Just a month ago, everything was fine. At least it seemed that way. Now? Now life felt like a constant deepening pain that clung to my heart. Taking my life away, with one little slit of the wrist. At first, it was something new, just an attempt to feel something different. Then things started get out of hand. My world as I knew it came crashing in over my head and enveloping me into a sickening darkness…
Hope you liked it!
Believer in PRTC
Hope you liked it!
Believer in PRTC
To Save a Life (part 2) "Youth Pastor Love"
First off, I'm very sorry for not blogging in a very long time. I have been busy with cleaning my room, school starting, and school camp. But now, I am back as a regular :)
To Save a Life, is one of my top 5 favorite movies. I completely and utterly LOVED it. The whole movie in general was outstanding, but I think my favorite part was *SPOILER ALERT* was any scene with Chris and Jake. I loved the youth pastor with teen relationship. I've always been drawn to that type of love. I go to a rather large and diverse youth group. My favorite nights are those when I just glance around and see a "Sea of Faces" (thanks Kutless) that all have different hurts, pains, and problems. (We have anyone from homosexuals to homeschoolers there are MKs and PKs. It's that different.) You see, thats the best part. I see them getting help by talking to a youth leader. People who I know have finally reached out for help. I completely am inspired by my youth pastors. They don't turn anyone away. They simply love. Made quite an impact in my life when I pin-pointed what that was. It's so much easier not to judge when you love others.
Youth Pastor Love is awe-inspiring isn't it?
I've got a good one for my next post, be sure to read!
~Believer in PRTC
To Save a Life, is one of my top 5 favorite movies. I completely and utterly LOVED it. The whole movie in general was outstanding, but I think my favorite part was *SPOILER ALERT* was any scene with Chris and Jake. I loved the youth pastor with teen relationship. I've always been drawn to that type of love. I go to a rather large and diverse youth group. My favorite nights are those when I just glance around and see a "Sea of Faces" (thanks Kutless) that all have different hurts, pains, and problems. (We have anyone from homosexuals to homeschoolers there are MKs and PKs. It's that different.) You see, thats the best part. I see them getting help by talking to a youth leader. People who I know have finally reached out for help. I completely am inspired by my youth pastors. They don't turn anyone away. They simply love. Made quite an impact in my life when I pin-pointed what that was. It's so much easier not to judge when you love others.
Youth Pastor Love is awe-inspiring isn't it?
I've got a good one for my next post, be sure to read!
~Believer in PRTC
Why?
Hey you guys! I'm actually at Katie's house right now, having probably the best sleep over ever. We've had so much fun. But, I'm updating this from their house because I am right now banned from my computer because my room is rather messy. (So says my Dad.)
Don't you love the stars?
It's so breath taking to lay outside and stare at them. Last night was the first time I had done so, for I think, my whole life. Katie, and (her sister, my friend) Anna, and I talked while looking at them. Something about them, reminded me of the song "On Fire" by Switchfoot.
"But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words."
If you couldn't figure that out, those are lyrics from the song. I was thinking. How many conversations have I had that seem to lead to no where? Those ones where I fight with someone, just because I want my way, or because I disagree on something. A year ago, last night, I had no idea what was up for me within the next year. I had such a terrible time with life hitting me in the face. My world fell apart. I had very hard time with friends, relationships, and figuring things out for myself. I had been taught wrong things, and I'm still asking my youth pastor questions by the buckets. Trying, so hard to find out reasons I believe this or that. I have found out a lot of the "answers" that I had been taught my whole life had been wrong. Very wrong. I feel like my trust in everyone sunk in the ocean where it wasn't able to be found again. Now, besides about four people, I'm leaning to figure out things that I believe on my own.
That's my challenge to you.
Think about what you believe, and why. Have you ever questioned what you believed? I have, obviously. A few weeks ago, I had a youth leader challenge me with this question- "Why are you a christian? What makes you different from people who believe other things? Why is it that you believe in Jesus, and that He is the only way to heaven?" That blew my mind. Growing up in a christian family, you don't get to much of choosing God for yourself. Which explains a lot of my confusion. I now have an answer to what he had asked me. So now I'm asking you..."Why are YOU a christian?"
Love to hear back from you guys, it makes my day! :)
~Believer in PRTC
Don't you love the stars?
It's so breath taking to lay outside and stare at them. Last night was the first time I had done so, for I think, my whole life. Katie, and (her sister, my friend) Anna, and I talked while looking at them. Something about them, reminded me of the song "On Fire" by Switchfoot.
"But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words."
If you couldn't figure that out, those are lyrics from the song. I was thinking. How many conversations have I had that seem to lead to no where? Those ones where I fight with someone, just because I want my way, or because I disagree on something. A year ago, last night, I had no idea what was up for me within the next year. I had such a terrible time with life hitting me in the face. My world fell apart. I had very hard time with friends, relationships, and figuring things out for myself. I had been taught wrong things, and I'm still asking my youth pastor questions by the buckets. Trying, so hard to find out reasons I believe this or that. I have found out a lot of the "answers" that I had been taught my whole life had been wrong. Very wrong. I feel like my trust in everyone sunk in the ocean where it wasn't able to be found again. Now, besides about four people, I'm leaning to figure out things that I believe on my own.
That's my challenge to you.
Think about what you believe, and why. Have you ever questioned what you believed? I have, obviously. A few weeks ago, I had a youth leader challenge me with this question- "Why are you a christian? What makes you different from people who believe other things? Why is it that you believe in Jesus, and that He is the only way to heaven?" That blew my mind. Growing up in a christian family, you don't get to much of choosing God for yourself. Which explains a lot of my confusion. I now have an answer to what he had asked me. So now I'm asking you..."Why are YOU a christian?"
Love to hear back from you guys, it makes my day! :)
~Believer in PRTC
A Sad Poem Until Monday
Tonight is most likely the last time you will hear from me until Monday. I'm leaving for World Pulse tomorrow. (Yes!) Then on Sunday, drum roll please, I get to see my long lost friend Katie!!! I am so pumped! 82 days is such a long time when a best friend leaves for the whole summer and goes to the Middle East. Craziness. I leave you with a sad poem I wrote in my absence...
A flower blooms,
A beautiful girl stands.
A boy comes,
And takes her by the hand.
Soon before love becomes,
She finds a temptation she can’t withstand.
A petal falls.
She doesn’t understand.
This can’t be all.
This didn’t go like she planned.
A girl falls.
A petal is lost as she gives a piece away.
Her heart isn’t the same, to this day.
Talk to you guys on Monday, have a great weekend!
~Believer in PRTC
A flower blooms,
A beautiful girl stands.
A boy comes,
And takes her by the hand.
Soon before love becomes,
She finds a temptation she can’t withstand.
A petal falls.
She doesn’t understand.
This can’t be all.
This didn’t go like she planned.
A girl falls.
A petal is lost as she gives a piece away.
Her heart isn’t the same, to this day.
Talk to you guys on Monday, have a great weekend!
~Believer in PRTC
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