the day of brain surgery

It’s 1:26 am. I’m leaving for the hospital in 2 hours. 4 hours until my life it altered rather drastically. Sometime after I had told my brother about this whole ordeal, he (in his very light hearted manner) mentioned how after I die people will be able to tell that I had brain surgery. Isn’t that sort of funny though? Like dang. My life is going to be greatly changed tomorrow. There’s so much unknown thats being forced upon me that for a while I felt drenched in it. It soaked me with heaviness that only something with such a great magnitude of change can. 

That’s where God clung to me. 

I couldn’t shake Him off. Heaven knows I tried many, many times. But somehow I wasn’t able to lose Him. I see it as oil and water. God covered me in a permanent oil while I felt I was drowning, but the two weren’t able to mix. In a glorious, unknown way God kept whispering “I have better things for you.” or “My favor rest in you.”. Each of these phrases never left my conscious. I heard them in moments of fear, hurt, and freedom. 

I was never really a believer in peace that passes understanding. The amount that I undermined it seems so silly now. I had always known that peace existed, and people were given it in times of desperation. Only until this instance did I ever discover what the phrase entails. The question people always always always ask when they discover I’m having brain surgery is “Are you nervous?”. In the beginning, I covered it up with a sly reply that was somewhat confident. But now? I have the peace that passes understanding. If I were even able to tell you what it feels like, I would. It’s something so beautiful, sacred, and holy that only being surrounded by such peace will ever describe something so delicately strong. 

So that’s where I’m at. I guess I’m going to dive in head first tomorrow and come up swimming at some point. God’s done some pretty amazing things through this situation and in my life. I can’t wait to be able to share the full story post-surgery. Thank you for all of the prayers and love sent my way. 

Brain Surgery

Please read this article first.

Now laugh.

Alright. You're good now, you can keep reading.

Brain surgery seems to be in my near future. I'm so thankful for everyone's prayers and encouragement, but I keep being asked how I'm doing, as well as a multitude of other questions. As guessed, I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm hanging in there.

A few days after finding out about all of this I was able to meet with my wonderful neo-conservative hipster-like youth pastor. (You're welcome Brian) He sat down with me, listened, and told me that my situation sucked. But, then he gave me some very needed advice. He told me to keep it simple. That I could only take this a day at a time. Day by day I needed to realize God is right there with me. So that's just what I've been doing. That's all I can do. Simplicity and God are all that's keeping me grounded right now.

 I'm learning though.

My dreams never included brain surgery. I never perceived life to be what it is currently. I haven't changed, but my situations sure have. And my idea of God and faith has overflown. I've gained new understanding in so many different situations. All that to say, God is still my rock. He's still solid in my life.

"Ye who long pain and sorrow bear,
Praise God and on Him cast your care." 

You Have Me- Gungor 

"Always faithful, always good

You still have me.
You still have my heart."

After All- David Crowder 

"I will sing a song for you my God with everything I have in me.

But it's never loud enough after all." 

redemption story pt 2

Continuation...

The drive home was the farthest thing from peaceful. My heart accelerated, my pain escalated, my stress overwhelming, my emotion too much. My life was quickly crumbling into torturous bits. I placed my hand on my thin belly. How could I manage this? My father was right. I’m an ignorant irresponsible scoundrel. The words were manifested in my soul. Nothing of beauty lived inside of me. This child would turn-

this fetus. 

It wasn’t a child yet. It was just some cells. Thats what my splendid sex-ed teacher has told my class back when I was a freshman in high school. I should feel no guilt in doing away with the thing. I mean, what the heck, I’m already rotten anyway. This fetus could never be raised by me. It’s probably already to screwed just by me being the thing’s carrier. 

Then why even keep it any longer?  

I looked outside of my drivers window. Life presumed around me. People were clueless. My utter aloneness was surrounded by swarms of human beings. Human beings who were successful, talented, fulfilled, smart, and loved. I, on the other hand, stood in the middle of the rotating earth by myself, secluded from any form sanity. 

I made my decision quickly and irrationally. But who was there to stop me? I switched into the right lane. I knew the hectic intersection would be a perfect and quick end. I timed it just right, and slowed down to stop at a red light. Then, just as the opposite direction's light turned green. I urged my foot onto the accelerator. 

Only a second or two were passed before another vehicle collided with mine and I was thrown into a world of darkness. 

to be continued...