Society screams sometimes. Very loudly might I add. You've most likely heard it before. Something like you must do(insert a creative reason that girls are "supposed to be" stereotyped into here) to fit in. I never realized I might have been doing this. I've always hated being fit into some category that I had to be molded and formed into. Which happens often to me. When going to a christian school, how can you not find yourself being called "sheltered" or someone expressing how christian school kids wouldn't know what it was like in "real life". I'll let you in on a little secret-we're just like anyone else. We have the same struggles, the same popularity issues go on, the same pervertedness of boys in our school is there.
I'm getting off subject here...
So anyways, I know (to an extent) I have listened to those voices who tell me what is supposed to be "right" or "acceptable" in society's eyes. I never thought I was open to hearing what society says. I was right where I wanted to be. I didn't care what other people thought or said about me. I didn't care if I acted silly. I was ME. Who I should have been. But those voices are coming back, and already are in my head. They tell me who I should be, and it's not who I want to be. I know when those comments come into my already stressed out mind and I try to process them, that the devil seems to have a way of screaming them at me in a twisted,just plain mean mannor. It reminds me of what I've always thought of Chinese Torture to be like. They seem to take that one issue that I might be trying to change, or that I'm just the tinniest bit insecure or self conscious about, and then everything explodes into preposterous lies that I am fed, until my reasonable mind becomes alive again, caught back up, and then realizes what I just did.
I believed a lie.
Yes, Ali has believed lies before. Sadly, more than once. I have to be brutally honest with myself and create a little filter for my brain. I'm noticing more often then not, I can realize that I am analyzing what I do or how I act, and every once and a while how I fit in. When I do, that's the time when I have to be most aware and not let those lies come and eat away at my mental and spiritual health as they have been doing.
I feel kinda intellectually smart because I have listened to more then my fair share of sermons on the matter of lies and how to identify them and what happens when we don't take care of them...so on and so forth. But I had never really realized how to get rid of them until now. I think this is right and fair, but maybe I'm wrong. Feel free to contradict me :)
"I am aching to peel off the fake paper shell and be the girl God created me to be." Natalie Lloyd from "Paperdoll" page 33.
Thanks for taking a moment to read my processing prose. (For a second I got really excited because I thought "processing prose" rhythms, sadly, I found that it doesn't.)
Ta ta for now,
~Believer in PRTC